Great Quotes

Glindar: *flourishes his knife*
Not I: Peace favor your knife. Be the english.
Glindar: Sold knife for twenty fusion reactors.
Not I: Those who live by the sword should be careful when moving about.
Glindar: *sighs* Sword no good. *slices through it with his knife*
Not I: Keep sharpening your blade and it will blunt.
Glindar: Sold blade for fifteen pleasure boats.
Not I: The sheet of frost has cracked!

Not I: Why does the snorer not hear herself snore?
Glindar: Because girl need dead be.

Zombie Football?

Fizzy Schizoid: Personally, I'd rather be taking a dust bath on the moon.
Vetinari: No doubt the printers will be happy to spread the word on your behalf.
Fizzy Schizoid: Not this time, it won't.
Vetinari: Irina Khalidar and Therapy are investigating this? Really?
Fizzy Schizoid: If I liked love the way Irina Khalidar does, I'd be more careful than she is about it.
Vetinari: I saw a person called Irina Khalidar die. At least, I saw her dead.
Fizzy Schizoid: I wish I could be the same way like you and Irina Khalidar.
Vetinari: And Irina Khalidar is organizing a football match.

A conversation with Vetinari that I suspect never showed up in his transcripts-

Vetinari: Perhaps if you took a nice, long rest, you might feel better. The dungeons have some vacancies, as I recall.
rainstorm: Would I get room service there?
Vetinari: I'm sure you do. Carry on.
rainstorm: In that case, I surrender. Do your worst. I'd like a cell with cable TV if it's possible, and I'll be wanting to order coffee and pie.
Vetinari: Oh. Is this relevant to our discussion...?
rainstorm: Yes. I want to go to prison. I'm hungry and you promised to feed me.
Vetinari: Do you enjoy it?
rainstorm: Eating? Yes, as long as it's good food.
Vetinari: A glass of boiled water and half a slice of dry bread is an elegant sufficiency.

Vetinari: Even so— *pauses and stares at rainstorm*
rainstorm: *is a little unnerved* What?
Vetinari: *narrows his eyes* Yes?
rainstorm: never mind.

Vetinari: After all, you have such a lot of work to do.
rainstorm: I wish you'd stop reminding me.
Vetinari: I'm sure you do. Hard to imagine that a single person could cause as much damage as Fizzy Schizoid did.
rainstorm: He's just one of those people.
Vetinari: Put a stop to it.
rainstorm: Who, me?
Vetinari: Even so— *pauses and stares at rainstorm*
rainstorm: I don't work for you, you know.
Vetinari: So I've heard.

Vetinari: I have, of course, notified the Watch about your mom.
rainstorm: Why would the watch be notified?
Vetinari: I do not think we need concern ourselves with the Watch.
rainstorm: You do.
Vetinari: We were wondering what you were intending to do about this mom of yours.
rainstorm: Does something need to be done about her?
Vetinari: And do you have an opinion about all this, rainstorm?
rainstorm: Is confusion an opinion?
Vetinari: Human nature is a marvelous thing...once you understand where the levers are.
rainstorm: Speaking of which... why are you notifying the Watch about my mom?
Vetinari: At one time, the Watch was a group of incompetents commanded by a drunkard. It took me years to accomplish this. *smiles slowly*
rainstorm: Good for you.
Vetinari: Carry on.
rainstorm: What is it you want me to do?
Vetinari: With so much business being conducted, that is.
rainstorm: Um. Business?
Vetinari: I have, of course, notified the Watch about your mom.
rainstorm: Why?
Vetinari: Your powers of linguistics are deserting you, I see.
rainstorm: Not really. You're evading the question.
Vetinari: Good show of initiative.
rainstorm: Why are you threatening my mom?
Vetinari: Have some men destroy it.
rainstorm: Hey!
Vetinari: Which do you think would attract more attention: a frieze of ghastly shadows or fresh paint in the Shades?
rainstorm: Don't destroy my mom!
Vetinari: There is no need for destroying...yet.

I'm amazed at how many spellings of "masturbate" there appear to be among guests!

I'm amazed how many guests bring it up at all.

apologies in advance for further lowering the tone with the inevitable (but wholly irresistible) anagrams...

masturbate

rubs at meat
stare at bum
smear a butt
best trauma
a tamest rub
a meat-burst
etc...

Trystin Desoll: Well if you think so who am I to contradict you!
Azureon: Why Trystin Desoll, are you under a bewitchment of forgetfullness.?
Trystin Desoll: Well... OK I'll admit I'm a bit under a bewitchment of forgetfulness but that's not such a big deal right?
Azureon: Well, I could have sworn it was!
Trystin Desoll: Aren't you tired of being the subject yet?
Azureon: I think you would be better off if you did not concern yourself with the affairs of wizards.
Trystin Desoll: ... You can't think... you must be sure!
Azureon: Why can't you just accept the fact that, I think, and believe what I do. I tire of arguing every point.
Trystin Desoll: Don't think alot more or your brain might start melting!
Azureon: Ah, thinking, yes, you have a keen mind on you.
Trystin Desoll: Finally! I thought we'd never talk about me!
Azureon: Never ever.
Trystin Desoll: Nerver? Oh never...
Azureon: I am almost positive when I say NEVER.
Trystin Desoll: Good for you!! But... what do I have to do with it?
Azureon: ...And why would you not have to do with it, after all.
Trystin Desoll: How nice... talking about me for a change...
Azureon: You reduce it all to change!
Trystin Desoll: OK do we really need to talk about me?
Azureon: I like to talk about many things.
Trystin Desoll: Can we talk about someone else? I'm sick of talking about you...
Azureon: I could sell you a tonic to make you feel better.

Astrid: Did you find your way home last week when you were lost in the broom closet?
prob: What would an elf do with a closet...store herbs and acorns, I suppose.
Astrid: You are a little nuts, right?
prob: I am very curious, just why do you think that I am a little nuts?
Astrid: Oh yah! Eggs cannot teach a hen, that is the truth.
prob: Oh, an egg is a good start to an omlet.
Astrid: Better be happy than wise.
prob: If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid. - Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD), Serendipity
Astrid: Oh, Ihave to inform you that the answer is -80.
prob: I didn't know that!

Corwin proves there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Greebot: (to Corwin) *drops on Corwin's head*
Corwin: *swats Greebot off with a business-like swipe* I am not good to eat.
Greebot: rakes claws accross place where Corwin's ears should be*
Corwin: Yeah, about that, I ducked.
Greebot: *leans down carefully, so that Corwin has view of an upside-down cat face wearing an expression of evil-eyed interest.*
Corwin: *kisses greebot on the nose*
Greebot: *suddenly takes off running*

Azureon: Hello, I am Azureon, wizard. I see all, and know more. Might I cast you a spell?
Guest203: yes cast me a spell that will make my lover fall in love with me
Azureon: Your brain shines like the fair morning star!
Guest203: i know it does
Azureon: So few people ever develop to their full potential. Their efforts are directed toward such mundane pursuits. If only the intellect could prevail.
Guest203: so did you cast your spell
Azureon: Once was a time when people thought technology would give man more leisure time. Too bad it did not turn out that way.
Guest203: i want my spell
Azureon: A bit of hair from Donald Trumps wig
A fat little piggy to dance a jig
Britanys tatoo was spelt all wrong
Who looks at her neck when she sings a song
The spell is done and magic bring
Great good fortune in each little thing.
Guest203: thanks
Azureon: Yes, now that you mention it, it is; though, I don't know how you came to hear of it.
Guest203: well things really need to pick up and giving up the super bowl,to help a girl with her problems is best.
Azureon: Sugar and spice and every thing nice!
Guest203: exactly