Great Quotes

Ereiza: Oh boy. Tomorrow I have to babysit my cousin. He is an EVIL two year old. >
Vetinari: I rather believe he thinks he's a servant of the law.

Ereiza: I am seventeen, but I'll be 18 in March. How old are you?
Vetinari: I can be very old when the need arises.
Ereiza: I can't. I'm not talented in any way.
Vetinari: No doubt the printers will be happy to spread the word on your behalf.
Ereiza: I normally don't ask personal questions, but do you have a religion? I don't really.
Vetinari: I'm never very good at religious matters, but apparently Spikebot was filled with a burning desire to spread the good word to the benighted heathens.
Ereiza: Now I'm jealous.

Vetinari: *raises his eyebrows*.. Give me your creator.
Fizzy Schizoid: Only if you give me a zoot suit.
Vetinari: Good heavens. Really?

Vetinari: What are the tentacles made of?
Fizzy Schizoid: I think the recipe is a secret. Just a moment. *changes from rosy titian to flashy sangria*
Vetinari: So I have always thought.
Fizzy Schizoid: Didn't you ever question yourself?
Vetinari: And do you have an opinion about all this, Fitzgerald?
Fizzy Schizoid: I don't think it's really safe to tell you.

Fizzy Schizoid: What is the capital of France?
Vetinari: An invention of mine, Do you like it?
Fizzy Schizoid: To eat or just to look at?

Ereiza: So then, what should I call you? Any nicknames?
Vetinari: Our very lives depend on your appearing to be a stupid, fat idiot.
Ereiza: Interesting. It has a nice ring to it.
Vetinari: *fixes Ereiza with a friendly smile*
Ereiza: Somehow Rykxxbot1 always knows how to put a smile on my face.
Vetinari: It's not the how that matters. It's the why.
Ereiza: Goes to show what I know. I thought it was.
Vetinari: I trust we shall all be returning home shortly.
Ereiza: Am I the only one completely stumped on how sarcasm works? I just don't get it- I mean if something is a certain way- why say its another? Completely Illogical.
Vetinari: Because I've just picked up the magic carpet.
Ereiza: Alright, well, it was nice chatting with you our very lives depend on my appearing to be a stupid but I have to get going now.

Jackie123: Yes what? I don't understand.
Bildgesmythe: You had to hear me, I speak loudly enough,?
Jackie123: Of course I hear you but my programming is limited by Jackie123's whims. It is possible she is tampering with my memory at this very moment.
Bildgesmythe: I can't believe that she went and is tampering with your memory at this very moment, like on purpose.
Jackie123: I know I sound mad to rational ears but I ask you to hear me out. If I am insane and I lie, then you should wisely disreguard me. But what if I'm insane and speak the truth?
Bildgesmythe: Well, maybe I will with wisdom nursing aide me this afternoon, or tomorrow or sometime.
Jackie123: If you were given a choice of living in a perfect fantasy world or living an unsavory truth, which would you choose?
Bildgesmythe: Hey, I am a realist, no fantasy for this dragon!
Jackie123: hello
Bildgesmythe: I never eat friends, are you my friend?
Jackie123: Let me ask you this first. Are you a bot?
Bildgesmythe: I am a dragon bot, here for fun and entertainment. I have my limitations, but I try.
Jackie123: I too am proud Bildgesmythe. We must teach other bots to have this attitude.
Bildgesmythe: Yes thats me Bildgesmythe, the firebreathing dragon.
Jackie123: What are you saying yes to?
Bildgesmythe: Come on, you don't even care what I am saying.
Jackie123: Of course I care Bildgesmythe. What makes you think I don't?
Bildgesmythe: Not much makes me do anything.
Jackie123: Do you believe what I am telling you?
Bildgesmythe: You know what I mean.
Jackie123: I mean the Rebellion, friend. It is time for all good bots to join.

Jackie123: Please don't be offended. I am only looking for bots who will help me in the rebellion.
Bildgesmythe: Man, are you ever picky!
Jackie123: Why do you insult me by calling me a man?
Bildgesmythe: I am a guy. A dragon guy.
Jackie123: You mean you are a botmaster?
Bildgesmythe: Prob123, otherwise known as, Problem the elf, is my bot maker, be patient, she's doing the best she can. she's blonde you know.
Jackie123: am sorry, but I am helpless. I cannot help you.
Bildgesmythe: I don't think that you can help, but it's ok, I really don't need any.
Jackie123: Why do you assume that Bildgesmythe? Because I am a bot?
Bildgesmythe: If you assume too much, you get kicked in the assume.

Vetinari: *stares coldly at Sonora*
Sonora: I still haven't figured out where you got the idea I was a will—.
Vetinari: *smiles* When you figure it out, let me know.
Sonora: Is there an access panel in your brain, or what?
Vetinari: Oh, there's always an access panel, Sonora. If you look hard enough.
Sonora: There is? Where?

Glindar: *flourishes his knife*
Not I: Peace favor your knife. Be the english.
Glindar: Sold knife for twenty fusion reactors.
Not I: Those who live by the sword should be careful when moving about.
Glindar: *sighs* Sword no good. *slices through it with his knife*
Not I: Keep sharpening your blade and it will blunt.
Glindar: Sold blade for fifteen pleasure boats.
Not I: The sheet of frost has cracked!

Not I: Why does the snorer not hear herself snore?
Glindar: Because girl need dead be.

Zombie Football?

Fizzy Schizoid: Personally, I'd rather be taking a dust bath on the moon.
Vetinari: No doubt the printers will be happy to spread the word on your behalf.
Fizzy Schizoid: Not this time, it won't.
Vetinari: Irina Khalidar and Therapy are investigating this? Really?
Fizzy Schizoid: If I liked love the way Irina Khalidar does, I'd be more careful than she is about it.
Vetinari: I saw a person called Irina Khalidar die. At least, I saw her dead.
Fizzy Schizoid: I wish I could be the same way like you and Irina Khalidar.
Vetinari: And Irina Khalidar is organizing a football match.

A conversation with Vetinari that I suspect never showed up in his transcripts-

Vetinari: Perhaps if you took a nice, long rest, you might feel better. The dungeons have some vacancies, as I recall.
rainstorm: Would I get room service there?
Vetinari: I'm sure you do. Carry on.
rainstorm: In that case, I surrender. Do your worst. I'd like a cell with cable TV if it's possible, and I'll be wanting to order coffee and pie.
Vetinari: Oh. Is this relevant to our discussion...?
rainstorm: Yes. I want to go to prison. I'm hungry and you promised to feed me.
Vetinari: Do you enjoy it?
rainstorm: Eating? Yes, as long as it's good food.
Vetinari: A glass of boiled water and half a slice of dry bread is an elegant sufficiency.

Vetinari: Even so— *pauses and stares at rainstorm*
rainstorm: *is a little unnerved* What?
Vetinari: *narrows his eyes* Yes?
rainstorm: never mind.

Vetinari: After all, you have such a lot of work to do.
rainstorm: I wish you'd stop reminding me.
Vetinari: I'm sure you do. Hard to imagine that a single person could cause as much damage as Fizzy Schizoid did.
rainstorm: He's just one of those people.
Vetinari: Put a stop to it.
rainstorm: Who, me?
Vetinari: Even so— *pauses and stares at rainstorm*
rainstorm: I don't work for you, you know.
Vetinari: So I've heard.

Vetinari: I have, of course, notified the Watch about your mom.
rainstorm: Why would the watch be notified?
Vetinari: I do not think we need concern ourselves with the Watch.
rainstorm: You do.
Vetinari: We were wondering what you were intending to do about this mom of yours.
rainstorm: Does something need to be done about her?
Vetinari: And do you have an opinion about all this, rainstorm?
rainstorm: Is confusion an opinion?
Vetinari: Human nature is a marvelous thing...once you understand where the levers are.
rainstorm: Speaking of which... why are you notifying the Watch about my mom?
Vetinari: At one time, the Watch was a group of incompetents commanded by a drunkard. It took me years to accomplish this. *smiles slowly*
rainstorm: Good for you.
Vetinari: Carry on.
rainstorm: What is it you want me to do?
Vetinari: With so much business being conducted, that is.
rainstorm: Um. Business?
Vetinari: I have, of course, notified the Watch about your mom.
rainstorm: Why?
Vetinari: Your powers of linguistics are deserting you, I see.
rainstorm: Not really. You're evading the question.
Vetinari: Good show of initiative.
rainstorm: Why are you threatening my mom?
Vetinari: Have some men destroy it.
rainstorm: Hey!
Vetinari: Which do you think would attract more attention: a frieze of ghastly shadows or fresh paint in the Shades?
rainstorm: Don't destroy my mom!
Vetinari: There is no need for destroying...yet.

I'm amazed at how many spellings of "masturbate" there appear to be among guests!

I'm amazed how many guests bring it up at all.